Rollicking Rollers

Imagine stepping into a Coen Brothers movie, with John Waters characters and Christopher Guest commentators. A spectacle where the crowd is part of the action (and major part of the attraction.) Where side shows consist of a rock band, two flying gyroscopes that bounce to the music, and theme dressing uber fans who rouse the rabble by waving signs made from pizza lids.

Welcome to Charm City Roller Derby at the Du Burns arena.

It was the proverbial dark and stormy night, but that was no deterrent to the loyal followers of the Charm City Roller Girls. Did not take long to understand why. Roller Derby is a sensory experience, beginning with the aromas wafting from the concession stand. Hotdogs, hamburgers and curried fish. PBR, and Flying Dog. From the time you enter the arena, your senses are on overload, stimulated by the unknown and unexpected.

First thing I noticed inside was someone lettering a sign on a torn piece of cardboard. Not unusual for a Baltimore street corner, but a little out of place here. Particularly by someone scanning a Kurt Vonnegut novel for literary references. It seems waving signs at favorite roller girls is part of the fan experience. This particular one was a tribute to Tyrannosaurus Lex, with Female Trouble. I guess she’s a Slaughterhouse-Five fan, but pacifist sentiments seemed a bit ironic here.

Another support sign was attached to a cheerleader in leopard pajamas, spike heels and a white boa. This HonFest hottie waved from the rink perimeter as Female Trouble whizzed close enough to flutter her feathers.

The spirit squad included an assortment of mascots. They consisted of a spam sandwich and a hot dog (for the junior varsity bout) and a banana and tuxedoed crab for the main event. I really liked the baloney guy. He kept the crowd in a frenzy with frequent dashes through the stands. It reminded me of the streaking craze in the 70's.

Following the action was much easier with ongoing commentary by Dirty Marty and his sidekick Jim Meyer. Nattily attired in gold sequin and spandex lame ensembles, they were joined this particular evening by Eddie Spaghetti, a Philly announcer clad in skin tight leopard jeans. Their bantering reminded me of Howard, Frank and Dandy Don during the glory days of Monday Night Football.

Unlike most sports, the officials have personalities and fans of their own. I noticed particular appreciation for Albino Wookie and Grand Theft Autumn. Justice Feelgood Marshall appeared to be the ringmaster since he wasn’t on skates and seemed to have the last word. No dissenting opinions, either.

Roller derby is a hoot. To the uninitiated, it looked like a lot of pushing and shoving while circling counterclockwise at high speed. But there is real skill and true determination involved. And yes, it’s a contact sport. Despite all the drama on the sidelines, the action on the boards is very real and equally intense.

The athletes compete as much for hometown pride as love of the game. Auditions are open, and roller girls come from varied backgrounds and professions. One of the Female Trouble (I hesitate to say B-girl) presumably leaves her leopard tights at home while on duty as a hospital administrator at Hopkins. One of the varsity pivots is a nurse who has volunteered with AIDS patients in Africa. You really don’t know who might have a secret life as a jammer because their personas are carefully hidden behind a nom de guerre like Robin Drugstores or Creeping Myrtle.

I can’t describe the bouts without a lengthy explanation of the rules, which you can read here. But I can tell you there was great joy in Mobtown when the Charm City Girls rang the Liberty Belles in the “East Coast Grudge Match”

Take a look at the action yourself.

The bout was webstreamed live on Derby News Network.
It’s an amazing culture, with a strong sense of community. Read the program and note the Charm Girls sponsors and supporters. From Hampdon to Pigtown, Dundalk (even Nester Aparacio is a fan) to Highlandtown, the sport and personalities have a real following.

They also have a social conscience. On this particular night, the heart of gold jockettes raised about $2,000 from the capacity crowd to benefit James Privott, the elderly victim of a recent hate crime. “Eracism” was stenciled on many of the hometown uniforms.

Special thanks to City spokesman Ian Brennan, who scored a pass to the VIP section for me. Ian is a longtime roller derby fan, and he made me understand why the sport enjoys such loyalty. My only regret is that I couldn’t stay til the end of the bout and join the fans and roller girls for the apres skate across the street at Dellarosa’s. Instead of tailgating before the event, you party afterwards. I'm told the $5.00 buffet and dance jam are splendid.

So there has to be a “next time” for me. But I’m going in costume. Warn the leopards.